I don’t know about you but I’m pretty fucking calm right now. Maybe even slightly giddy. You see, I was raised in the Baptist Church. Sunday school. Bible school in summer. I memorized so much scripture I was rewarded. Honored to carry the American flag from point A to point B in the auditorium. March, march, marching in obedience. Church. Sermons that scared the Hell right out of me. I attended more than a few tent revivals in Kentucky. Got dunked when I was 12 or so, I think, because my sister made that faithful decision to turn her life over to Christ and I wanted in on the act. As Dr. Phil would ask, “How’s that working for you?” Until this moment not so great. But I digress.
Back to the present. When I read that Donald Trump was talking fire and fury like nobody’s ever seen before, I wondered where he’s been that he thinks his fire and fury would be more massive than Harry Truman’s. I’ve reconsidered, removing the deliberation, concentrating on the positively divine.
Those of you who’re upset about the nuclear war game need to listen. I’m here to apply a Giliad-like-balm of advice. Stop. Take a break from constructing that bomb shelter in which you plan to stock potassium iodide, jugs of water, beans, rice, ammo, and underwear. Get your body to a yoga mat. Breathe.
You don’t believe me. Just ask Robert Jeffress. Sure, some of you may think he’s a cretinous mass of bones displacing sunlight, but reexamine. This guy’s a VIP, a man of God, head of the First Baptist Dallas megachurch. And a member of Trump’s evangelical advisory board. And, and, and he’s claiming that God has given Trump full power to use whatever means are necessary to destroy evil. Reread that last sentence and concentrate on “full power” please. Not half-assed power, but “full power.” All powerful. I’m thinking omnipotent, godlike. Here. Here’s more from the inspired word of Jeffress:
In the case of North Korea, God has given Trump authority to take out Kim Jong Un.
I’m heartened to see that our president—contrary to what we’ve seen with past administrations who have taken, at best a sheepish stance toward dictators and oppressors—will not tolerate any threat against the American people.
So there. All that droning Obama did was weak. Sheepish. Say it with me, “Sheepish.” Previous Deciders in the Oval Office were sheep. (Except for Harry.) “All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned everyone to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all.” (Isaiah 53: 6) Confession: I included this because it’s one I pulled from memory, those Bible school days, yet it’s appropriate. The sheepish have detoured, leading to their own ruin.
Here’s another, one of my favorites, misquoted by Samuel Jackson in Pulp Fiction: “And I will execute great vengeance upon them with furious rebukes; and they shall know that I am the LORD, when I shall lay my vengeance upon them.” Let’s attribute it to Trump, the Almighty. Say it’s Donald 25:17. Tweak it a bit: “And I will execute great vengeance upon them with nuclear fire and fury; and they shall know that I am the LORD, when I shall lay my vengeance upon them.”
We’re in Trump’s hands now. Small hands. . . . . yet majestic. He’s got the whole world in those hands. This is why I’m so fucking calm.
Missy Comley Beattie has written for National Public Radio and Nashville Life Magazine. She was an instructor of memoirs writing at Johns Hopkins’ Osher Lifelong Learning Institute in Baltimore. Email: firstname.lastname@example.org.